I Do It For You

When I was a kid, on a weekly basis, my mother told me to clean up my room--for the cleaning lady.  We were by no means well off, but every week, someone came to do things like dusting and vacuuming and mopping and generally making the house feel as though the cleaning lady had been there, and we straightened up for her--to make her job easier.
 
Only a handful of times have I had a cleaning lady as an adult.  Either we felt that we could do things ourselves or that we'd rather spend the money in other ways or that there just wasn't the money to spend.  But, while we do clean fairly regularly on weekends, never is it so intense as when we are expecting company or, in the case of today, when we are having a neighbor come each day we are away to feed our fish.  We may clean sometimes for ourselves, but more often, we clean "for" someone else.
 
I write this not because I am obsessed with cleaning--my husband would readily tell you I'm not--but because I was struck today by the fact that we tend to do a whole lot more for other people than we are willing to do for ourselves.  I tolerate climbing over my kids' school books on a daily basis, but would never make my in-laws do that. When I was working full-time, I happily took on more when it helped a coworker leave earlier for an appointment.  And today, when my kids and I were out and about, and the kids wanted lunch, I bought food just for them, assuming that I could eat at home later.
 
It's hard sometimes to justify doing for ourselves.  It seems selfish, or wasteful, or just unnecessary, while doing for other people seems like the right thing, whether it's necessary or not. The smile of a child or the approval of a neighbor or relative or the goodwill of a colleague, which often come with the doing "for," reinforce that the doing is good. Doing for yourself gives you none of those perks, just perhaps an emptier wallet.  It's no wonder that we do more when it's for someone else.
 
What I have tried to keep in mind in this wacky freelance life is that a little doing for myself can end up doing for other people.  Sometimes, buying that smoothie or a playing hooky for a day makes me happier.  And in the end, a happier me makes me a happier mom with happier kids.
 
My daughter asked me yesterday why I'd been so agitated lately. Perhaps the reasons are obvious. And perhaps they'd be a lot more manageable if I tried to do a little more for me--so I could do a little more--and with a smile--for her.