Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Right Where I Need To Be

For years, I barely questioned where I was. I had a job and a paycheck. I had a place to go each day, and a place to come home to, and a schedule that mostly worked. When things all got turned upside down a few years ago, I wouldn't say I lost everything. What I did lose, however, was the day to day knowledge of where I needed to go and when, of where the paychecks would be coming from, of that built-in knowledge of where I was supposed to be.

Upside down had its benefits--I was able to be a part of school pickups and a chaperone on school field trips. I discovered the glory of my own neighborhood in the daytime and of dinner time at a more reasonable hour. I became more of a participant in my kids' after school lives. And when new work came along, I had the excitement of novelty, the adrenalin of proving myself all over again.

Now, all these years later, with all these ups and downs to show for it, I still struggle with where I need to be. Having seen daytime hours at home, I still wonder whether I'm supposed to give them up for a job that would occupy me, during "normal" working hours, while my kids are in school. Having been available to help solve my kids' dilemmas, I remain unsure what they need more, my paycheck or my time. Having chased what I thought I wanted and found other things altogether, I'm still not sure some days what it is I really want.

Left with so many questions, I have to to ask--is it, perhaps, that I am, for this moment in time, right where I need to be? Can it be that what seems uncertain and unconventional is actually just a picture of what is working for the moment? Is it possible that "not perfect" is actually "perfect for right now?"

It's not always easy to know if something's working until we lose it and realize things are not working anymore. Our concept of "working" is so wrapped up in our concept of "normalcy" that it's often hard to tell. But before we bemoan what is, because it's not exactly what it was supposed to be, perhaps it's worth checking--worth asking--whether where we are is actually where we need to be--at least for right now.

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